"Love Dance"

Have you ever watched how the dried/dead leaves (on the ground) dances in the wind, being carried where it will.
Or the glorious trees standing tall, graciously swaying to the rhyme and dancing in the wind??!!

It's the most beautiful, breathtaking and glorious dance I've ever seen and always enjoyed tremendously.

It was through these instances, it struck my innermost being...
In the most gentlest whisper, He spoke.
"The leaves and tress MUST yield itself to the wind before the glorious dance can happen"

So, it is with me!
I too, MUST yield myself to the GREAT I AM before the glorious dance of my life happens.

May I find enough courage, strength & trust to yield to Him, to dance the dance of my life.

Knowing Myself As Truly Beloved

This is an excerpt from my journal written in September 2005 which i much needed to remind myself as truly beloved.

"For me it is not getting something out of my system
but to take in that deepens & strengthens my sense of goodness
and allow my anguish/wounds to be embraced by Love

i will discover
the more Love i can take in & hold on to
the less fearful i will become

i will speak more simply, more directly, more freely
about what is important to me
without fear of others reaction

i will use fewer words
trusting that i communicate
my true self even when i do not speak much

The more i come to know myself (spirit, mind & body) as truly Loved
the freer i will be

This is the freedom i long for
as a child of God"

Living my Wounds Through

How much I need to hear and remind myself over again when I feel hurt, pain & grief stricken.
Henri Nouwen shares this truth (below) which brings much comfort and draws me back to the path of Truth.

Acknowledging, accepting & embracing what I am going through is difficult, hard & such a struggle.

Yet, when I come before Him in my nothingness, stripped down to bareness
just as I am,
all that I am
after all's been said & done.
What's left?!
What's left?!
And in SILENCE
I yet again find Peace in my utmost being

"You have been wounded in many ways. The more you open yourself to being healed, the more you will discover how deep your wounds are. You will be tempted to become discouraged, because under every wound you uncover you will find others. Your search for true healing will be a suffering search. Many tears still need to shed.

But do not be afraid. The simple fact that you are more aware of your wounds shows that you have sufficient strength to face them.

The great challenge is living your wounds through instead of thinking them through. It is better to cry
than to worry, better to feel your wounds deeply than to understand them, better to let them enter into your silence thanto talk about them. The choice you face constantly is whether you are taking your hurts to your head or to your heart. In yourhead you can analyse them, find their causes and consequences, and coin words to speak and write about them. But no final healing is likely to come from that source. You need to let your wounds go down into your heart. Then you can live them through and discover that they will not destroy you. Your heart is greater than your wounds.

Understanding your wounds can only be healing when that understanding is put at the service of your heart. Going into your heart with your wounds is not easy; it demands letting go of many questions. You want to know "Why was I wounded" When" How" By whom?" You believe that th answers to these questions will bring relief. But at best they only offer you a little distance from your pain. You have to let go of the need to stay in control of your pain and trust in th healing power of your heart. There your hurts can find a safe place to be received, and once they have been received, they lose their power to inflict damage and become fruitful soil for new life.

Think of each wound as you would of a child who has been hurt by a friend. As long as that child is ranting and raving, trying to gt back at that friend, one wound leads to another. But when the child can experience the consoling embrace of a parent, she or he can live through the pain, return to the friend, forgive, and build up a new relationship. Be gentle with yourself, and let your heart be your loving parent as you live your wounds through.

Source: Henri J. M. Nouwen 'he Inner Voice of Love - A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom'"

He's Gone

Sometimes it hits me...
He's gone!
No longer in flesh nor form
Gone...

Just like that!
Whoosh!
No longer there
What am i gonna be

Sometimes i find it hard to believe...
He's gone!
Somewhere out there
Is he there... still?!

Before his time came
Many a times he used to say
"Will my love be enough
if tomorrow never comes?"

I don't know
I guess, I never will know
if his love would be enough
to go on

Yet this i know
tomorrow did finally come
His Love, Mercy, Courage and Strength
Is enough
Coz tomorrow never came

"You can shed tears that he is gone
Or you can smile because he has lived
You can close your eyes and pray that he’ll come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all he’s left
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him
Or you can be full of love you shared
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday
You can remember him and only that he’s gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what he’d want : smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
Unknown Author"

Sharing my woundedness

"How strange that we should ordinarily feel compelled to hide our wounds when we are all wounded! Community requires the ability to expose our wounds and weaknesses to our fellow creatures. It also requires the ability to be affected by the wounds of others...But even more important is the love that arises among us when we share, both ways, our woundedness."
Source: M. Scott Peck, "A Different Drum."

It's not Fair!!!

He speaks when i least expect and at odd places & times, too.

On the way back from Paris late one night on the motoway where everyone's so dead tired and just couldn't wait to get back when He spoke ever so gently and softly to my aching heart once again.

i had a day of rest. Since the group had decided to go to Paris, i took a lift with them.

While in Paris, sightseeing and taking in everything that was going/happening around me i could not but help feeling so alone & small in the midst of all that was going on around me.
Watching people going by, doing what they were doing. I just sat and watched the world go by (listening to street band playing, in the distance another group of youngster were break-dancing to hip-hop music, children laughing, playing, running in the sand by the river, sunbathers worshiping the sun, couples strolling hand in hand, hugging, stealing a moment to kiss, uttering words of love, families posing for pictures, cruise boats sailing up & down the river, cyclist breezing by with headphones stuck in their ears, birds singing in the distance, cool breeze caressing my face and hair) discovering yet again this deep pain & hunger of isolation, rejection, aloneness and self pity. Tears slowly welling up in my heavy and burdened heart, crying out to Him.

Just before the 1st drop of tears could spill, I picked myself up again, find my composure, started to brush them aside and continue my city sightseeing and busied myself with the sights around me, taking pictures while holding on tight to my tightened heart.

Long after i'd forgotten about it and on our way back, my heart started to well up again. i had such resentment and anger brewing...

Then tears just streamed down my face and i was uttering to myself,
'This is just not fair. Life is not fair. Why do i have to experience this pain of being alone and need to continuously struggle with this issue all my life? It's not FAIR!'

Just as i'd uttered those words, this lady who has learning difficulties turns her head round. Calls me, looked straight in my eyes through the sillouhetes in darkness and said,
'Aaaaaliceeeeee....'

'Yes', i replied.

'It'sssss nooooooot faaaair!'

In the dark, i shrugged my shoulders, nodded as i faced her and replied,
'Yes. It's not fair. But this is the way it is. Life is not fair.'

She said,
'Buuuuuuuutttt I doooon't likeeeee ittt.
I haaaaaaaateeeeeee itttttt.'

'i know, Girl. i know you don't like it. i know you hate it. i hate it, too. But life is like that. i know it's difficult. Very difficult, Girl. It's difficult for me too, Girl.'

i could not utter the next word coz i was also then speaking to myself i'd realised... by then.
'You' was at the tip of my tongue but i held back and replied,
'We need to learn to accept that life is not fair, Girl. It's very difficult. But that is the way it is.'
'And it's ok. It is alright.'

Tears was just streaming down my face, so humbled by the whole moment. I was on holy ground in that car drive back from Paris that night.

She continued to look at me intensely and a smile broke on her face and her eyes lit up.
She said,
'Yes, it's ok. It's alright.'

He spoke with such simplicity and gentleness once again. In awe and humbleness, i let my tears wash my face. So gently & slowly i found peace and strength once again.

Embracing Change

It's been almost 8 months since I've been with L'Arche Community in Lambeth, London.
I've had amazing experiences not to mention painful & difficult yet joyous moments/times.

Just when I'd thought,
"Ooohhh... I am now slowly getting used to life in Gothic Lodge and settling in (almost) well...", whoooooooooosh..... I'm thrown off balance one again!!!

It all happened so quickly.
Didn't get the chance to sit with myself (as I much preferred under usual circumstances), allowing what was to come digest in my system or anything like that.

It just happened...
I'm beginning to realise that whatever happens (by choice or not, whether we or anyone engineered us towards it or not, how we felt or not) is meant to be (whether we chose to call it ' good' or 'bad').

Yet something deep within me had that peace despite the turbulance going on inside.s

I'm no longer a House Assistant in Gothic Lodge but a Workshop Assistant in the 'Relaxing Group Workshop' since 18 June 2007 (Mon).

This new change was very difficult not only for me but for the whole house (the Assistants and people with learning disabilities). Everyone is effected by this change and there's even an 'unspoken knowing in the air' that there's going to be more changes soon as the Summer Holidays approaches and ends. Turnover of Assistants are great.

"Change shouldn't be a problem for them (people with learning disabilities) because they've experience so many changes all the time throughout the years. People come, people go. They come and they go."

But I totally disagree !!!

Is it any wonder why there are so many challenging or difficult behaviours especially in people with special needs/learning disabilities?
For them there are no means or ways to express what they are feeling or even begin to grasp what's going on around them but they certainly 'know' and feel (at their very core. A knowing beyond description).

Unlike you and i.
We are such good actresses/actors. We have learnt to deal with this by easily distracting ourselves from what we truly are going on inside.
We busy ourselves and ignore that gentle thugging in our hearts by doing or distracting ourselves. (busying ourselves with 101 things we gotta do & must do- impulse spending/buying, cleaning, cooking, eating, talking to freinds endlessly about everything & anything under the sky apart from ourself, plonking in front of the tally or whatever...?!) to make us feel better or try to forget what it was in the 1st place that made us launch on this journey of distraction.

We take for granted so many things in life. We fail to recognise it in ourselves. But if we were to look closely at ourselves, we might just realise we are no different.

Everyday, the people I live and work with challenges me 'look' at myself more genuinely, honestly and truthfully. In their silence, they nudge & bless me to 'see' me as I am, to acknowledge my true self & being.

I found it so.... very difficult the first 2 weeks when I started at the workshop. I felt so lost, so alienated, so apart (from everyone else at GL coz I no longer was part of the team I once was), so dislocated and so all over the place.

Although I knew (in my head), workshop setting (8 hours straight, 1-1 attention with about 2-4 people in a room) is more intense (a house setting or workshop setting cannot be compared as it both has it's own strengths & weaknesses), but in reality it was far from this 'knowing' ...
It is an experiences to be lived.

By the end of day 1, I was deflated !!! Totally and completely wipped-out !!!
Day 2 wasn't helpful either, felt worse than ever and even began to regret my move.
Week 1 ... terribly scary !
Week 2 & a half ... began to see a glimpse of a faraway 'light' in the distance.
Eventually, today week 3 ... coming to terms & embracing that little glimpse of 'light' in the distance.
This 'knowing' that isn't dependant on feelings alone but the realisation (yet again) of the great I Am is in place.

All because ... of Grace, Mercy & Love
It is not i, but Him who is Grace, Mercy & Love

May that same Grace, Mercy & Love embrace each of them all.

Approaching Easter

Living in L'Arche brings almost everything onto the surface again (all those I've put under the carpet), when all I want to do is hide and run away from myself.


As Easter approaches I am surprised by the unexpected experience (although not new but I much prefer smaller doses of them then an avalaunch of memories) I am experiencing and expected to do (like coming out in the open and talking about it).
As much as I'm negotiating (internally) with the 'Man Upstairs!', deep within I know what needs to be done. Yet, I have absolutely no courage or strength to face it or do it.
On one hand, I do know what must be done. Yet, on the other hand I am terrified even at the thought.


In the midst of all the internal struggles and negotiating, the daily routines still goes on. Work still needs to be done. Chores still needs attending to. Stomachs still needs to be fed. Weather getting colder as the days goes yet today, it was quite nice and sunny except when the wind blows it can get quite cold. The birds, bees & insects are starting to appear. I can hear the birds singing. Ants crawling in Bats-Ombak's bathroom. Daffodils blooming.

Yet, deep within (consciously or unconsciously) something is happening & only God knows what. Time has become my friend and in time, it will be revealed.


Whatever it may be, I ask for courage and strength to face my greatest enemy - myself.

Me & Food Again

I discovered this restaurant in South Croydon one day when I jumped on a bus (not knowing where it was taking me or going) and just went. Walking along the high streets of Croydon, I saw something intersting and popped my head on the window to discover 'Chicken Briyani' and it looked good.

So, in I went and ordered a plate. Oh.... it tastes so good, I've been going back (and taking friends there, too) ever since then on my rest days or whenever I crave for some really good Indian food.

They also serve Naan, Roti, Paratha with Chicken Curry of all sorts, Mutton Curry of all sorts and a variety of other stuff. The only thing I didn't enjoy there was their 'Lassi' (I found it too milky plus it wasn't sour enough as lassi's should be).
Apart from that, it's just ' heavenly'.

Along this road, you'll find 'Zaika Restaurant'

Day After Christmas (Boxing Day) 2006

The red oven (called 'Arga') is hot all day & night (never switches off). Most food are cooked in it or kept warm.
Top right = 1st hottest, Bottom right = 2nd hottest.
Top left = not so hot & Bottom left = to keep warm.

I've never experienced cooking pots as heavy as those we have in Gothic Lodge (name of our home). They weight a ton each (i think) and luckily I'd practiced taking weights in the gym before so that helped !

And whenever it gets too cold inside the house, I go there to keep myself warm, too.

I cook once or twice a week mostly (it's what I enjoy most... of all the other house chores! that needs to be done)

My 1st Snow Experience

Taken from my room window

Taken from L'Arche Lambeth office.

Never say Never !

It's been ages since I last wrote anything here.

I've been in the UK for more than 3.5 months now. Arriving on the 1st Dec. 2006 in L'Arche Community, Lambeth in South London.

Community life is very busy and hectic yet at the end of the day, it's very satisfying and I'm enjoying every moment of it.

There were many moments, I've had inner temper tantrum to throw everything away and just walk away from it all. Yet, deep within me... I know better than that.

The experience is invaluable although at times very painful coz I often meet myself time and again at places I'd love to run away from. Yet, deep within me... I know better than that.

What give me the strength (even though painful) to keep going?! At the end of the day... it's Bats-Ombak, Karo-Maro, Magi-Feri, Padi-Padi & Tari-Menari (not their real names). They are the ones who gives me the strengths and the joys.

What's the hardest/toughest/painful living here?

Comminity life.

What brings/gives me joy living here?

Community life.

I thought we were going to have an early Spring this year, 2 weeks ago but the weather have changed tremendously suddenly.

2 weeks ago, we had such sunny and bright weather. The Cherry Blossoms, Magnolias & Daffodils were blossoming so wonderfully until last Tuesday we had snow. I was at home at my Aunt's & Uncle's place when we had all 4 seasons in 1 day (snow, sun, rain and occassionally sleet! & frost, too !!!). I know when they say 'English weather'. Now, I know exactly what they mean. Since then, we've had occassional light snow and the wind eats into your bones.

Tonight, our clocks move forward 1 hour (which signifys the beginning of Spring officially-26 March every year) and it is exactly 1 year from today, I'd come to UK for my 6 months holiday last year.

I still remember saying these words (when Amar & Im had asked if I was going to visit L'Arche Community while in the UK) "No way! We'll see."

Now, look where I am. *smiling*

Never say never!