Did you already know...?!!?!!??!!

When I made a choice to take this path on my journey...
... did you know this is where I would be coming to?
is this where I would be stopping
and learning to say 'No'
Standing up for myself
Learning about protecting myself
Learning about healthy boundaries
Learning...
that by saying 'no',
there is a price to be paid

Did you already know I would be here?
Did you already know this is exactly where I will  be?
Did you already know exactly I would be here?

Be gentle with me
Be generous with me
Be gracious with me
... for I am broken, fragile, frail  and vulnerable!

I have been here before
... this junction/crossroad of my journey
Yet, each time it's different
It's another deeper layer of the same
Like the seasons in a year
Yet, each year the seasons can be very different from the year/years before

Here I am today
... admitting
... claiming
... looking in the eye
... embracing and
... befriending
my brokenness, fragility, frailty and vulnerability

Here I am

Just as I am

I am

... continuing my journey
Coming to myself
Hopefully closer 'home' to myself
To say clearly... loudly... and courageously
with ownership
"I am broken,fragile, frail and vulnerable."

Even saying these few truthful authentic words
... seems to sit more comfortable
Sitting side by side... looking at each other
... hugging each other sideways
... smiling, with our heads on each other's

and ...

... saying ...

It's alright.
It's okay.

Did you already know from here on...
... where I would be going onto next?

Freedom

Today, as I looked back at one of  my journal written on a Silent Retreat last year at St. Beuno's Jesuit Spiritual Center in Wales how I was then still searching for 'this' freedom I long for which I am still searching for even now.
Makes me wonder if I will ever find it?
Yet, somewhere along my longing and search is continually bringing me another step closer to myself and my heart.
In that alone, I can rest in peace knowing I am flying without wings and IT'S ALRIGHT!


"Grant me the freedom to trust You, to be, to love, to live, to give, to receive, to accept what I cannot understand, to embrace the pains of my life, to embrace the difficulties-struggles-sorrows of my life-the anxieties of the unknown, the not knowing what my next step or chapter in life is going to take me; to have the acceptance-clarity of not knowing and IT'S ALRIGHT.

Grant me Your freedom, Your clarity
Set me free to be the person you have made and created me to my fullest potential and capacity.

Grant that I know this deep in my innermost being
As you have called me to be"

"For the rest of my days,
I will embrace myself, loved in Your heart, Your being in one with me
Called by my name
You have summoned me
To freedom of being
To trust in Your unfailing love - unconditional love everlasting
To embrace life at it's fullest
To honor and respect each of your created being just as You love them
To drink of Your grace, kindness, love, spirit, goodness, gentleness
To savour You
To bask inYour love, goodness, tenderness
To be engulf by your burning light - fire - desires and passion that I may be set ablaze, too
To soak in Your great pool of love, mercies & grace
All this I pray and surrender"

[15 June, 2012. Journal Book 6]

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

 

~Derek Walcott~