New Beginnings

Today, Friday 30th December 2005 is the last day of work for me!

Christmas weekend came and went. It was like just another day in my life except all around me was celebrating the birth of Christ in the commercial way.
As for me, it was reflective with lots of matters of the heart at question yet a sense of peace.
I looked around, during Christmas Morning Mass and recognized there were so many who were sad, in pain, grieving and didn’t feel or express that festivity (outwardly) yet in their own hearts something was happening & taking place in their own way.
I identified with them.

“Christmas isn’t Christmas till it happens in my heart.
Somewhere deep inside me is where Christmas really starts.”

Everyday can be Christmas when it happens in my heart.
The realization.
The awakening that starts from deep within.

I could not find any strength or courage to go for Midnight Mass. Found 101 excuses why I should not go but the crux of it was - I was too afraid to feel the pain I knew I would feel during Mass, especially the offering of wine & breaking of bread (Eucharist), calling to mind all those who have gone before us and proclaiming Christ in my life was all too emotional for me to handle at moments like this.
Prior to that, during dinner I had a sip or two of red wine which made me tipsy and every reason not to go and forget about it. Just letting Christmas Eve pass as quiet as possible, if I could!

Yet on Christmas day, I found enough courage to go for Mass and it was good. Although during Eucharist I offered Him all that I was, am and will be, the fear I felt yet, it was ok. Tears flowed but it was a release – a sort of letting go of my pain and grief of missing them yet knowing deep within that gripping fear is so real and despite whatever goes on (inside), God is still with me.

After all’s been said and done, experienced and lived – it is all about Jesus.
My life is in His hands. He holds me to Himself.
He is still who He is.
Nothing can and ever will change that reality.
For that I am ever grateful & thankful.

Next year will be a time of waiting (more of that!), a time of adventure of the unknown inter-minggling with fear and excitement. Yet a sense of expectancy of what could be in store.
Time is here (a decision I have made over the years) for me to equip myself with basic foundations of what I think I would like to do (art & play therapy with children) yet am open to the unknown – where all these will lead me to.