In The Name of Development

Over the years, I have seen many beautiful trees being chopped down due to development. Each time I see it being done (cut or re-shaped to man's whims & fancies), I feel really sad. They each have a history and memories but few take the time to seek, understand & treasure them just as they are.

New Beginnings

Today, Friday 30th December 2005 is the last day of work for me!

Christmas weekend came and went. It was like just another day in my life except all around me was celebrating the birth of Christ in the commercial way.
As for me, it was reflective with lots of matters of the heart at question yet a sense of peace.
I looked around, during Christmas Morning Mass and recognized there were so many who were sad, in pain, grieving and didn’t feel or express that festivity (outwardly) yet in their own hearts something was happening & taking place in their own way.
I identified with them.

“Christmas isn’t Christmas till it happens in my heart.
Somewhere deep inside me is where Christmas really starts.”

Everyday can be Christmas when it happens in my heart.
The realization.
The awakening that starts from deep within.

I could not find any strength or courage to go for Midnight Mass. Found 101 excuses why I should not go but the crux of it was - I was too afraid to feel the pain I knew I would feel during Mass, especially the offering of wine & breaking of bread (Eucharist), calling to mind all those who have gone before us and proclaiming Christ in my life was all too emotional for me to handle at moments like this.
Prior to that, during dinner I had a sip or two of red wine which made me tipsy and every reason not to go and forget about it. Just letting Christmas Eve pass as quiet as possible, if I could!

Yet on Christmas day, I found enough courage to go for Mass and it was good. Although during Eucharist I offered Him all that I was, am and will be, the fear I felt yet, it was ok. Tears flowed but it was a release – a sort of letting go of my pain and grief of missing them yet knowing deep within that gripping fear is so real and despite whatever goes on (inside), God is still with me.

After all’s been said and done, experienced and lived – it is all about Jesus.
My life is in His hands. He holds me to Himself.
He is still who He is.
Nothing can and ever will change that reality.
For that I am ever grateful & thankful.

Next year will be a time of waiting (more of that!), a time of adventure of the unknown inter-minggling with fear and excitement. Yet a sense of expectancy of what could be in store.
Time is here (a decision I have made over the years) for me to equip myself with basic foundations of what I think I would like to do (art & play therapy with children) yet am open to the unknown – where all these will lead me to.

Family Dinner

Last Friday, 23 December 2005 we had our brothers & their families over for dinner. I managed to make Baked Stuffed Chicken (instead of turkey) with Baked Potatoes, Carrots and Corn, Simple Salad and Mama's Baked Honey Chicken.

Of course the children had a great & exciting time especially swamping themselves with all the toys. Never a dull moment being with them.

My Christmas Gift

Christmas is just round the corner. Everybody is busy. The town is busy. The malls are full of people shopping and all seem to be rushing about and around!!!
December is always a very 'busy' month. Busy in the sense - as the year comes to an end, reflecting on what happened in year 2005, what I've learnt, how it has enriched, blessed or 'damaged' me by the experiences and what is in store as the coming year approaches.

I haven't had much time to sit with my thoughts at all and am in quite a blurrr... actually as to even when Christmas day is. Although I know it's on the 25th. but it hasn't really sunk in me yet. To be honest, I partially do not want to be fully involved with reality as Christmas season has always been a painful time for me although everything and everyone around me seem to be in a jolly-happy-good mood.

Been trying to tell myself to treat this year's Christmas differently (the real truth/meaning behind Christmas - the birth of Chirst who brough light and love to mankind) yet ... as much as i try to embrace this reality... my heart is far from it.

My longing to celebrate Christ's brith (Christmas) with my family and the ones I love dearly who believes in Christ is far from becoming true. There is no oneness, no unitedness and no togetherness (in our believes) which I long for so much in a family and with the ones I love. This hurts very much.

Christmas has never been the same (since all those whom I loved and treasure dearly left us) yet it is still the same(God IS with us) and I am thankful for that.

Here I am, celebrating yet another painful Christmas (although in the midst of believers yet the aloneness felt is much greater than ever especially during this season) and missing all those who have gone before us.

I wonder, how much longer.
I don't know but ... I pray for Grace & Mercy.
All that I am, all that I have ... is all I have this Christmas.
This season of Christmas, pain is my gift to You Lord.
For You are with me (even in my pain).
Emmanuel (God) with us.