Self Portrait

It doesn't interest me if there is one God
or many gods.
I want to know if you belong or feel
abandoned.
If you know despair or can see it in others.
I want to know
if you are prepared to live in the world
with its harsh need
to change you. If you can look back
with firm eyes
saying this is where I stand. I want to know
if you know
how to melt into that fierce heat of living
falling toward
the center of your longing. I want to know
if you are willing
to live, day by day, with the consequence of love
and the bitter
unwanted passion of your sure defeat.

I have heard, in that fierce embrace, even
the gods speak of God.

Self Portrait -- David Whyte
from Fire in the Earth
©1992 Many Rivers Press

Do you mean it?

It`s not where you go when you die
It`s how you live when you`re alive
Who you touch and how you feel it?
It`s not about the time that you have
It`s how you cry and how you laugh
Who you love and how you mean it
And do you mean it?

Never Let Go

Can you (I) lay your (my) life down, so a stranger can live?
Can you (I) take what you (I) need, but take less than you (I) give?
Could you (I) close every day, without the glory and fame?
Could you (I) hold your (my) head high, when no one knows your (my) name?

That's how legends are made?
At least that's what they say.

We (I) say goodbye, but never let go.
We (I) live, we (I) die coz you (I) can't save every soul.
Gotta take every chance to
Show you're (Am I) the kindda man (person) who
Never looks back, never looks down.
And never let go (?).

Can you (I) lose everything, you (I) ever had planned?
Can you (I) sit down again, and play another hand?
Could you (I) risk everything, for the chance of being alone?
Under pressure find the grace, or would you (I) come undone?

Song: Never Let Go by Bryan Adams

You knew all along

You obviously knew long before time...
I only had to follow ...

wait ...
discern ...

walk again ... one step forward ... two steps backward ...

wait again ...
contemplate ...
wait...

follow ...

and ...

keep moving on

living God

I am now seated between the pond and the mansion behind me
Seagulls, pigeons, geese, ducks of all sorts enjoying the beautiful lovely sunny weather although we're all wrapped up in our coats, hats, and all sorts to keep us warm!
Despite feeling a bit unwell, I am so glad I decided to go out and walk to Forty Hall.
I needed my trees...

While enjoying my surroundings and being part of it, I've got my headphones on listening to the Tibetian-Indian Meditation music, listening to the birds singing, squaking. Chickens in some distance farm  crowing and cookle-doodling, seagulls cooing, children chattering to their parents or grandparents, playing on their bikes, passersby chattering away their life stories with a friend minding their own business, enjoying themselves and my Tibetian gong music gong-ing in my headphone.... all very perfect and peaceful!!!

I started walking, exploring my surrounding (even though I've been here before) and suddenly I found myself standing in the middle of a stretch of 2 rows of trees each by my side on a plain wide field, listening to "Walking into the Himalaya to Meditate" music, looking straight down the rows of trees, occasionally looking at the bright blue skies stretched far and wide beyond my eyes, seagulls flying above me casting a shadow over me and the fields as they fly by, with a faint half moon silouhette on my far right high above the skies...
... I felt One
One with nature
as my centre connected with my surrounding.

Connecting with trees gives me life
They bring me back home.. to my deepest self

They centre me
They calm me
They give me their peace

God with me
me with God

God in me
me in God

One

One with the trees
One with the Universe
One

Oneness

New Year!

Christmas, the holiday seasons and the1st of January, the new year has come and gone.
The New Year is here!
New Beginnings (again).
I am glad I am given another new beginning...
How will I be living this new beginning?

I don't know...
But I hope I am ...

I've been relating a lot with Jeff Brown and this is one I read and hold dear to my heart.
He found words for my heart and my thought.

"I am tired of hearing what God is from head-tripping men.
I am tired of hearing what God is from isolationists on a spiritual quest.
I am tired of hearing what God is from lovers of detachment.
I want to hear about a juicy God, a creative God, a relational God.
A God that arises
when we jump into life and stop playing it safe,
watching it from afar like a passing train.
It's time for the dancers to tell us what God is
It's time for the artists to tell us what God is
It's time for the lovers to tell us what god is
We are not here to watch God
We are here to live God."

Love

Is it possible for the rose to say, "I will give my fragrance to the good people who smell me, but I will withhold it from the bad?"

Or is it possible for the lamp to say, "I will give my light to the good people in this room, but I will withhold it from the evil people"?

Or can a tree say, "I'll give my shade to the good people who rest under me, but I will withhold it from the bad"?

These are images of what Love is about.


[One Minute Wisdom by Anthony De Mello]

I miss her!

Mi.... I miss her!

Leaving Behind

For me the hard part comes in leaving what has been behind.
I know that does make sense.
Humans strive to create; whether it's buildings, relationships, communities, ideas, books, paintings, arts, music or whatever.

In leaving a place, group of peoples or community behind, I inevitably leave the foundations of my creative efforts incomplete.

What's more, my need for connection was intertwined with what I've created in that place and being in a new place leaves an empty space, as yet devoid of my creative endeavours!

It is that emptiness which is my struggle; with what and with whom do I fill it with?
How do I go forth afresh, courageously and with no hint of grief, when the very process of starting again is inevitably one that involves cutting myself off from what was?

I don't know the answers but I suppose it is by coming to see the emptiness as a blank canvas, one which I will fill with a beautiful drawing or painting!

In North London, I don't have a blank canvas and I'm glad of that.
I have the beginnings of an artwork formed by a few ties of my life so far.
I'm creating connections with the buildings, communities, ideas and most importantly, with the people around me.
Using the ties of what is present at hand and the hope of what will come, I'll try to fill my 'North London-canvas' with life, love and happiness.

Did you already know...?!!?!!??!!

When I made a choice to take this path on my journey...
... did you know this is where I would be coming to?
is this where I would be stopping
and learning to say 'No'
Standing up for myself
Learning about protecting myself
Learning about healthy boundaries
Learning...
that by saying 'no',
there is a price to be paid

Did you already know I would be here?
Did you already know this is exactly where I will  be?
Did you already know exactly I would be here?

Be gentle with me
Be generous with me
Be gracious with me
... for I am broken, fragile, frail  and vulnerable!

I have been here before
... this junction/crossroad of my journey
Yet, each time it's different
It's another deeper layer of the same
Like the seasons in a year
Yet, each year the seasons can be very different from the year/years before

Here I am today
... admitting
... claiming
... looking in the eye
... embracing and
... befriending
my brokenness, fragility, frailty and vulnerability

Here I am

Just as I am

I am

... continuing my journey
Coming to myself
Hopefully closer 'home' to myself
To say clearly... loudly... and courageously
with ownership
"I am broken,fragile, frail and vulnerable."

Even saying these few truthful authentic words
... seems to sit more comfortable
Sitting side by side... looking at each other
... hugging each other sideways
... smiling, with our heads on each other's

and ...

... saying ...

It's alright.
It's okay.

Did you already know from here on...
... where I would be going onto next?