Contemplating Nature

A flower, a plant growing out of season is something I've always been drawn to. Anything out of the norm for that matter.
Because it stands alone, it calls forth in me a stance of contemplative presence. My eyes would not have caught it had it been a part of a community of flowers, plants or trees.
My simple holding of the object of my delight gives it meaning & brings it to a new birth. It is a healing thought that I gave some kind of completion to that flower, plant or tree simply by noticing it.
I've often gazed, admired, appreciated or savoured that solitary flower, plant or tree simply because they stood alone. It is absolutely beautiful in it's solitariness. Something ordinary then becomes extraordinary somehow precisely because it stands alone.
In the forest of trees it would be just another tree, but standing there against the grain of fields, it becomes a companion on my journey.

I pray for the courage to stand alone at times, to withdraw from the crowd that I may carry back to the community the new strength & new vision received in solitude.

Transformation 3

Rest

Transformation 2

Raging Explosion

Rainbow of Life

Surrendering

Hope

Transformation 1

Embraced in Love 1

 Embraced in Love 2

Being Human

Coming to L'Arche has taught me to be human.

I discovered to a very great extend the depth of my loneliness, the depth of not belonging and inner pain that came from the sense of rejection (of being unwanted as a little girl when she asked her Granny where did she come from? Her reply was blant & straight "From the dusbin near the market!" This probably also came from the Asian or maybe Chinese culture which I recall hearing it ever so often being said).

My 1st encounter was when I lived in Gothic Lodge with people with disabilities. Boy (not real name) taught me to 'see' how lonely I was at the core of my being. He taught me to realise how lonely I was and coming to terms with my loneliness. Slowly slowly accepting my loneliness, realising our common humanity between us.

For the 1st time, I realised I'm no different from Boy.
For the 1st time, I acknowledged my loneliness. How much I yearned & longed to belong.
Boy was my 'Teacher'.
He did not set out (with a mission!) to teach me but by just being himself he taught me more than he'd ever known or realised.

That was the beginning of my journey to becoming human.

The start of the liberation of my heart; from the tentacles of chaos & loneliness and from the fears that provokes me to build a wall around me and to reject others

It is a liberation that opened me up & led me to discover our common humanity.
It was the start of discovery of my journey from loneliness; to a love that is transforming me day by day, to a love that grows in & through belonging (a belonging that can include as well as exclude).

A liberation from my self-centeredness, my compulsive and inner hurts to finding peace in forgiveness and to love those who are my enemies (whom I struggle with to get along or see eye to eye).

This is my challenge/life now.
My cup!
To become human.

It's made me realised, this is a lifetime experience. It's long and sometimes a painful process.
It involves my growth to freedom, opening myself up to others (who are challenging & difficult), not hiding behind a maskor behind a wall (of fear or prejudice).

It means discovering my common humanity.
Head & Heart = All Together

Living with people with disabilities calls me to develope my capacity to relate to/with others.
Living with people with disabilities teaches me to become more open, more valnerable especially to those who are different & difficult.

It's helped me to relate to those around me whom we 'normal' people have term ourselves to be 'normal' in my daily surroundings & life. It runs parellel, side by side.

Being aware of my humanness is to mature, to grow spiritually.

"Love Dance"

Have you ever watched how the dried/dead leaves (on the ground) dances in the wind, being carried where it will.
Or the glorious trees standing tall, graciously swaying to the rhyme and dancing in the wind??!!

It's the most beautiful, breathtaking and glorious dance I've ever seen and always enjoyed tremendously.

It was through these instances, it struck my innermost being...
In the most gentlest whisper, He spoke.
"The leaves and tress MUST yield itself to the wind before the glorious dance can happen"

So, it is with me!
I too, MUST yield myself to the GREAT I AM before the glorious dance of my life happens.

May I find enough courage, strength & trust to yield to Him, to dance the dance of my life.

Knowing Myself As Truly Beloved

This is an excerpt from my journal written in September 2005 which i much needed to remind myself as truly beloved.

"For me it is not getting something out of my system
but to take in that deepens & strengthens my sense of goodness
and allow my anguish/wounds to be embraced by Love

i will discover
the more Love i can take in & hold on to
the less fearful i will become

i will speak more simply, more directly, more freely
about what is important to me
without fear of others reaction

i will use fewer words
trusting that i communicate
my true self even when i do not speak much

The more i come to know myself (spirit, mind & body) as truly Loved
the freer i will be

This is the freedom i long for
as a child of God"

Living my Wounds Through

How much I need to hear and remind myself over again when I feel hurt, pain & grief stricken.
Henri Nouwen shares this truth (below) which brings much comfort and draws me back to the path of Truth.

Acknowledging, accepting & embracing what I am going through is difficult, hard & such a struggle.

Yet, when I come before Him in my nothingness, stripped down to bareness
just as I am,
all that I am
after all's been said & done.
What's left?!
What's left?!
And in SILENCE
I yet again find Peace in my utmost being

"You have been wounded in many ways. The more you open yourself to being healed, the more you will discover how deep your wounds are. You will be tempted to become discouraged, because under every wound you uncover you will find others. Your search for true healing will be a suffering search. Many tears still need to shed.

But do not be afraid. The simple fact that you are more aware of your wounds shows that you have sufficient strength to face them.

The great challenge is living your wounds through instead of thinking them through. It is better to cry
than to worry, better to feel your wounds deeply than to understand them, better to let them enter into your silence thanto talk about them. The choice you face constantly is whether you are taking your hurts to your head or to your heart. In yourhead you can analyse them, find their causes and consequences, and coin words to speak and write about them. But no final healing is likely to come from that source. You need to let your wounds go down into your heart. Then you can live them through and discover that they will not destroy you. Your heart is greater than your wounds.

Understanding your wounds can only be healing when that understanding is put at the service of your heart. Going into your heart with your wounds is not easy; it demands letting go of many questions. You want to know "Why was I wounded" When" How" By whom?" You believe that th answers to these questions will bring relief. But at best they only offer you a little distance from your pain. You have to let go of the need to stay in control of your pain and trust in th healing power of your heart. There your hurts can find a safe place to be received, and once they have been received, they lose their power to inflict damage and become fruitful soil for new life.

Think of each wound as you would of a child who has been hurt by a friend. As long as that child is ranting and raving, trying to gt back at that friend, one wound leads to another. But when the child can experience the consoling embrace of a parent, she or he can live through the pain, return to the friend, forgive, and build up a new relationship. Be gentle with yourself, and let your heart be your loving parent as you live your wounds through.

Source: Henri J. M. Nouwen 'he Inner Voice of Love - A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom'"

He's Gone

Sometimes it hits me...
He's gone!
No longer in flesh nor form
Gone...

Just like that!
Whoosh!
No longer there
What am i gonna be

Sometimes i find it hard to believe...
He's gone!
Somewhere out there
Is he there... still?!

Before his time came
Many a times he used to say
"Will my love be enough
if tomorrow never comes?"

I don't know
I guess, I never will know
if his love would be enough
to go on

Yet this i know
tomorrow did finally come
His Love, Mercy, Courage and Strength
Is enough
Coz tomorrow never came

"You can shed tears that he is gone
Or you can smile because he has lived
You can close your eyes and pray that he’ll come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all he’s left
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him
Or you can be full of love you shared
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday
You can remember him and only that he’s gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what he’d want : smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
Unknown Author"

Sharing my woundedness

"How strange that we should ordinarily feel compelled to hide our wounds when we are all wounded! Community requires the ability to expose our wounds and weaknesses to our fellow creatures. It also requires the ability to be affected by the wounds of others...But even more important is the love that arises among us when we share, both ways, our woundedness."
Source: M. Scott Peck, "A Different Drum."