Embracing Change

It's been almost 8 months since I've been with L'Arche Community in Lambeth, London.
I've had amazing experiences not to mention painful & difficult yet joyous moments/times.

Just when I'd thought,
"Ooohhh... I am now slowly getting used to life in Gothic Lodge and settling in (almost) well...", whoooooooooosh..... I'm thrown off balance one again!!!

It all happened so quickly.
Didn't get the chance to sit with myself (as I much preferred under usual circumstances), allowing what was to come digest in my system or anything like that.

It just happened...
I'm beginning to realise that whatever happens (by choice or not, whether we or anyone engineered us towards it or not, how we felt or not) is meant to be (whether we chose to call it ' good' or 'bad').

Yet something deep within me had that peace despite the turbulance going on inside.s

I'm no longer a House Assistant in Gothic Lodge but a Workshop Assistant in the 'Relaxing Group Workshop' since 18 June 2007 (Mon).

This new change was very difficult not only for me but for the whole house (the Assistants and people with learning disabilities). Everyone is effected by this change and there's even an 'unspoken knowing in the air' that there's going to be more changes soon as the Summer Holidays approaches and ends. Turnover of Assistants are great.

"Change shouldn't be a problem for them (people with learning disabilities) because they've experience so many changes all the time throughout the years. People come, people go. They come and they go."

But I totally disagree !!!

Is it any wonder why there are so many challenging or difficult behaviours especially in people with special needs/learning disabilities?
For them there are no means or ways to express what they are feeling or even begin to grasp what's going on around them but they certainly 'know' and feel (at their very core. A knowing beyond description).

Unlike you and i.
We are such good actresses/actors. We have learnt to deal with this by easily distracting ourselves from what we truly are going on inside.
We busy ourselves and ignore that gentle thugging in our hearts by doing or distracting ourselves. (busying ourselves with 101 things we gotta do & must do- impulse spending/buying, cleaning, cooking, eating, talking to freinds endlessly about everything & anything under the sky apart from ourself, plonking in front of the tally or whatever...?!) to make us feel better or try to forget what it was in the 1st place that made us launch on this journey of distraction.

We take for granted so many things in life. We fail to recognise it in ourselves. But if we were to look closely at ourselves, we might just realise we are no different.

Everyday, the people I live and work with challenges me 'look' at myself more genuinely, honestly and truthfully. In their silence, they nudge & bless me to 'see' me as I am, to acknowledge my true self & being.

I found it so.... very difficult the first 2 weeks when I started at the workshop. I felt so lost, so alienated, so apart (from everyone else at GL coz I no longer was part of the team I once was), so dislocated and so all over the place.

Although I knew (in my head), workshop setting (8 hours straight, 1-1 attention with about 2-4 people in a room) is more intense (a house setting or workshop setting cannot be compared as it both has it's own strengths & weaknesses), but in reality it was far from this 'knowing' ...
It is an experiences to be lived.

By the end of day 1, I was deflated !!! Totally and completely wipped-out !!!
Day 2 wasn't helpful either, felt worse than ever and even began to regret my move.
Week 1 ... terribly scary !
Week 2 & a half ... began to see a glimpse of a faraway 'light' in the distance.
Eventually, today week 3 ... coming to terms & embracing that little glimpse of 'light' in the distance.
This 'knowing' that isn't dependant on feelings alone but the realisation (yet again) of the great I Am is in place.

All because ... of Grace, Mercy & Love
It is not i, but Him who is Grace, Mercy & Love

May that same Grace, Mercy & Love embrace each of them all.

Approaching Easter

Living in L'Arche brings almost everything onto the surface again (all those I've put under the carpet), when all I want to do is hide and run away from myself.


As Easter approaches I am surprised by the unexpected experience (although not new but I much prefer smaller doses of them then an avalaunch of memories) I am experiencing and expected to do (like coming out in the open and talking about it).
As much as I'm negotiating (internally) with the 'Man Upstairs!', deep within I know what needs to be done. Yet, I have absolutely no courage or strength to face it or do it.
On one hand, I do know what must be done. Yet, on the other hand I am terrified even at the thought.


In the midst of all the internal struggles and negotiating, the daily routines still goes on. Work still needs to be done. Chores still needs attending to. Stomachs still needs to be fed. Weather getting colder as the days goes yet today, it was quite nice and sunny except when the wind blows it can get quite cold. The birds, bees & insects are starting to appear. I can hear the birds singing. Ants crawling in Bats-Ombak's bathroom. Daffodils blooming.

Yet, deep within (consciously or unconsciously) something is happening & only God knows what. Time has become my friend and in time, it will be revealed.


Whatever it may be, I ask for courage and strength to face my greatest enemy - myself.

Me & Food Again

I discovered this restaurant in South Croydon one day when I jumped on a bus (not knowing where it was taking me or going) and just went. Walking along the high streets of Croydon, I saw something intersting and popped my head on the window to discover 'Chicken Briyani' and it looked good.

So, in I went and ordered a plate. Oh.... it tastes so good, I've been going back (and taking friends there, too) ever since then on my rest days or whenever I crave for some really good Indian food.

They also serve Naan, Roti, Paratha with Chicken Curry of all sorts, Mutton Curry of all sorts and a variety of other stuff. The only thing I didn't enjoy there was their 'Lassi' (I found it too milky plus it wasn't sour enough as lassi's should be).
Apart from that, it's just ' heavenly'.

Along this road, you'll find 'Zaika Restaurant'

Day After Christmas (Boxing Day) 2006

The red oven (called 'Arga') is hot all day & night (never switches off). Most food are cooked in it or kept warm.
Top right = 1st hottest, Bottom right = 2nd hottest.
Top left = not so hot & Bottom left = to keep warm.

I've never experienced cooking pots as heavy as those we have in Gothic Lodge (name of our home). They weight a ton each (i think) and luckily I'd practiced taking weights in the gym before so that helped !

And whenever it gets too cold inside the house, I go there to keep myself warm, too.

I cook once or twice a week mostly (it's what I enjoy most... of all the other house chores! that needs to be done)

My 1st Snow Experience

Taken from my room window

Taken from L'Arche Lambeth office.

Never say Never !

It's been ages since I last wrote anything here.

I've been in the UK for more than 3.5 months now. Arriving on the 1st Dec. 2006 in L'Arche Community, Lambeth in South London.

Community life is very busy and hectic yet at the end of the day, it's very satisfying and I'm enjoying every moment of it.

There were many moments, I've had inner temper tantrum to throw everything away and just walk away from it all. Yet, deep within me... I know better than that.

The experience is invaluable although at times very painful coz I often meet myself time and again at places I'd love to run away from. Yet, deep within me... I know better than that.

What give me the strength (even though painful) to keep going?! At the end of the day... it's Bats-Ombak, Karo-Maro, Magi-Feri, Padi-Padi & Tari-Menari (not their real names). They are the ones who gives me the strengths and the joys.

What's the hardest/toughest/painful living here?

Comminity life.

What brings/gives me joy living here?

Community life.

I thought we were going to have an early Spring this year, 2 weeks ago but the weather have changed tremendously suddenly.

2 weeks ago, we had such sunny and bright weather. The Cherry Blossoms, Magnolias & Daffodils were blossoming so wonderfully until last Tuesday we had snow. I was at home at my Aunt's & Uncle's place when we had all 4 seasons in 1 day (snow, sun, rain and occassionally sleet! & frost, too !!!). I know when they say 'English weather'. Now, I know exactly what they mean. Since then, we've had occassional light snow and the wind eats into your bones.

Tonight, our clocks move forward 1 hour (which signifys the beginning of Spring officially-26 March every year) and it is exactly 1 year from today, I'd come to UK for my 6 months holiday last year.

I still remember saying these words (when Amar & Im had asked if I was going to visit L'Arche Community while in the UK) "No way! We'll see."

Now, look where I am. *smiling*

Never say never!

Wales

Although I am determined to write more often but there hasn't been any opportunity to do so.

I've been to so many places and taken so many pictures yet haven't had a chance to post them.

Today I will try to post some pictures of Wales. It's an awsome breathkingly beautiful country. Lots of space - as far & wide as your eyes can see. I felt so close and at one with the Creator. Seeing is believing!

For the first time, I had a walking holiday. Every single day, we walked an average of 7 hours - up hills, mountains, forests, jungles, rivers. So peaceful and quiet. Yet, there were moments of challenging terrains we had to endure to get to the other side in order to continue our journey. There was just no turning back but only forward ahead. That taught me alot about life, too.

An interesting walking holiday!!! All we had was only a map and ourselves.

Thanks to Angela for making this trip to Wales possible.

Pareo Magic

All the pieces of pareos I brough with me was not used as a 'sarong' or wrap-arounds as I would usually use (as in Malaysia) but as you can see, we used a lot of them in our play. Saffy & Oscar enjoyed buiding their little tent - a little shower & bathroom area, sleeping area and work area.

We had to use whatever we could think of or could find at home. We used Grandma Nancy's little tables, little chairs, cloth pegs, plastic bag cut into long strips to tie one end to the other side to make a room.

In the beginning, it was Saffy's play and Auntie Lay Hoon was her construction worker and eventually Oscar got intersted too which was just wonderful !!!

Oscar directed with lots of ideas to the construction of how the tent should look. Saffy... she must have her roof top to every tent we've built !!! *Smiling*

Since I had a few extra pieces of Pareos, I gave them to choose one just for themself. Oscar chose the green-blue-purple with circles on them (you can see it very clearly in the picture). Saffy chose a red one (which is just at the back of Oscar's in that picture).

I do miss Oscar very much. He's now in the hospital and we won't be able to see him for the next 6 months as he's in an isolated ward only parents can go in.

Tracing back ...

I haven't posted for ages!!!
Can't seem to find the opportunity to update this as often as I would like to. Will have a lot of tracing back and shall try to post as much as I can with what has been happening since I last posted.

Easter Weekend

Mommy & Finn















Saffy going to the garden to play
Oscar & Saffy discovered a wind chime on the tree branch






Play hide & "peekaboo" with my camera